Ok. This is going to be a little bit of a rant. Bear with me. Please keep in mind that 1) I adore my children, 2) I usually manage to keep things in perspective and am extremely good at counting my blessings/looking at the bright side/making lemonade from lemons, etc etc etc. Oh, and big fat number 3: if you do things differently than I do, know that I really do not care how you live your life, I am not sitting in judgment on anyone, I am trying to figure stuff out for myself and my life.
Ahem. Disclaimer over.
Today, as always, I opened my Facebook account to see what was happening in the lives of my friends and family. And one of my friends, a woman who I have had little real contact with in the last, oh, five or six years posted a status update. Some background: she has three young children (all under five, including a young baby) and she has a great job. Anyway. Her status said, "Leaving the kids with hubby and grandparents to go on a ten-day photo safari in Tanzania!!".
And I thought, as I got up from the computer to unload and reload the dishwasher, to fill and empty and refill the washing machine, to start cooking the beans for our burritos and making the tortillas for dinner, all on a gray, dull day in February, as a sick, whiny baby clung to my leg and shrieked each time I moved, I thought: "Tanzania sounds really good right now."
And a blinding realization hit me. I, too, could go to Tanzania. I could! I could quit breastfeeding, find a job, enroll the baby in daycare, have Geo stay before and after school in care and I COULD GO TO TANZANIA. Why should I be chained to the stove, sink, kitchen every bloody day? What's the frigging point? I'm starting to feel like I've been sold a bill of goods. I was told that breastfeeding and cosleeping would mean happy, healthy kids. Kids less likely to get sick (insert hysterical laughter here). What if all this AP parenting is just bullshit? What if it *is* retro, anti-feminist crap to keep us quiet and busy knitting our own underwear while tending our balcony Victory gardens and canning our own food? What if, at age 45, when my kids are teens and hate being around me I'm STILL stuck at home, making healthy meals, doing the goddamn neverending laundry? I so don't want that for myself. I want Tanzania.
So why can't I do it? I look at my littlest son, who is sick, again, for the ten katrillionth time this winter, and my heart hurts. Having a life for myself would mean even when he feels crappy he'd be in daycare. I look at Geo. No calm, fun afternoons playing at the sandbox, he'd be in after-school care. No relaxed Wednesdays, in his pyjamas until noon. There would be few home-cooked meals, weekends would be a whirl of errands that I currently spread out over the week. I'm sure I'd be a more stressed out and therefore less pleasant person for my kids to be around. I think in the long run, my kids would be fine. They would grow up more or less happy and healthy and we'd have a good relationship. And I could go to Tanzania. There are days like today when that doesn't sound so bad to me.
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I know exactly how you feel. And it's a hard line we, as women, are always trying to tight rope on. Being there for our family (who needs us to be there) - and also being there for OUR own needs.
ReplyDeleteI'm just glad I don't have a girl who I have to explain this all to as she grows up.
Mary, you do an amazing job - keeping your fingers in subjects that you are passionate about. And while it doesn't seem like much now - all those little things will add up to items on your resume that you did at the same time as staying at home and taking care of your family. Don't forget to take pride in you being an EDITOR and a writer for a multicultural parenting blog.
You may not have some high flying full fledged career - but you are doing the best to balance being FULLY there for your family while fitting a bit of your interests in as well. I think of this time in my life as putting down a framework and infrastructure so that when M does not need me as much, I am ready to hit the ground running.
I think that maybe you can't go on a 10 day safari to Tanzania - but that doesn't mean you can't go on a mini vacation of your own. A weekend away, visiting a conference of your favorite interest - anything. A spur of the moment trip to track down something you've always loved. Sounds like you just need a mini vacation, it's something that will do your soul good.
Miss you friend, and hope we can see each other sooner rather than later.